God-seeker {lesson 3} angel in the great hall

it was during this time that i grew more and more discouraged at my "sunday morning" church

you see...this church had always been completely out of my comfort zone
and i had "argued" for YEARS with God about why on earth He had put me THERE

and as i started exploring more of lesson 2 (God is in the charismatic environment too)
i was really bummed -- for lack of a better word
that He wasn't allowing me to be involved in a church like that

i was learning so much about my giftings
especially in prophetic ministry and prayer
and these were not ways that i could ever serve in that "sunday morning" church

i was discouraged that i was being awakened to all these amazing things
ways to minister
and i was "stuck" in a tradition that wasn't even my own
where i would never be welcome in a ministry position, much less one that involved the prophetic

somewhere along the line the discouragement turned into sadness
for what the people in that church were missing out on
and i began yearning for a way to share in some small way
the things i was learning

and then in the youth group where we volunteered, the pastor began a series on the Holy Spirit
and he, i knew, was a believer in the workings as i had experienced them
and i felt the freedom as well as the nudge from Holy Spirit
to be transparent and real with our students

and it was good
(i posted about it during that time: here)

and one wednesday night
i was helping to lead worship
and as the man who was leading the teaching portion of the service
was speaking of the Glory of God and all the blessings we are poised to receive from Him

and i began having a dialogue with my Papa
i was almost angry
as i bowed my head and asked "why don't they SEE it?
they will never understand the full scope of what he's saying."

when i looked up
i'm sure anyone glancing at our part of the platform wondered
why i had a sudden "deer in the headlights" expression
but for the first time EVER
i was seeing an angel

he stood tall in the middle of the aisle
and was silent, looking straight ahead
and in his hands were golden coins

i knew immediately that the coins overflowing from the angel's hand
were blessings ready to be poured out on any who were ready to receive
and i continued staring
though everything in me wanted to run to him
draw attention to him somehow

i knew it wasn't time

this story has a ps
that i will share soon

but as i blinked over and over to ensure that he was in fact still there

i knew that God had opened my eyes to see that He is still in this place
as discouraged as i was
He was ready to pour out blessings to His children here

and i left that night
comforted in the knowledge
and a whole lot more at peace
with still being there

God-seeker {lesson two}

continuation of this post

lesson two began during one of the most difficult journeys i have faced

i was in the midst of foreclosure
you can read all of that story on my main blog if you don't know it
but it was an amazing time of seeing God clearly writing the script for each day

if i'd ever wondered the meaning of "one day at a time" i can truly say i learned it then
only sometimes it was more of "one minute at a time" or "one BREATH at a time"

life was...crazy.

and yet i had never felt so calm in the midst of chaotic times
yes, my heart was broken
but i had this strange peace
and no one understood it
(least of all me)

it was during this time that He led me to a second unfamiliar place
though this one looked a bit more like the church i had come to faith in
it was still...out there

angels, visions, scary accurate prophecy and all out CRAZY was just a normal night at this place
and while earlier in my life i probably would have balked and ran
there was something
so familiar about this unfamiliar

i began to realize that i had been operating in some of these realms for most of my life
(this is where i lost half of you, right?!)
but i never had language for it

how could i have said "i feel like God wants you to know..."when i couldn't believe that He spoke?
and yet...how could i not believe that He spoke when i so clearly knew that He did?
in this place
with strangely familiar in the unfamiliar
i began to learn
that the reason i made with confidence decisions the rest of the (even Christian) world thought crazy
was not because it was a whim
it really was His leading

time after time after time i had gathered the evidence

in this place, i gained the language.

and more than that
my eyes continued to be open

to the fact that He hadn't left the Mass
He hadn't left my church of origin
He hadn't left my "sunday morning" church
but He was most definitely here

that whole "church is universal" thing had begun for me in college
when i traveled to puerto rico and then to europe
sang songs in english while the german version was being sung beside me
and was moved to tears

somehow
i don't think i'd grasped
that the church is universal
even two blocks down the street

He is there
He is working
and my eyes were (are) slowly being opened
to the wild extremes He works in!

God-seeker {lesson 1}

it's amazing how the last few years have played out

God has had me on a treasure hunt, of sorts.
i found myself, hurting because of circumstances in the small group i was in
searching for a place to remain anonymous

and what i found instead, was that Jehovah "Sneaky"
was setting into motion a years-long course
in how to find Him

i grew up in one denomination, found faith in another, and deepened my relationship in yet another

yet i was still pretty sure i had Him figured out.

but this longing for familiarity while being anonymous
led me to Mass
in an unfamiliar place
with unfamiliar people...

...except, they weren't unfamiliar at all
here i began to connect quite unintentionally
with people i learned lived a few doors down from me
and others who i would have never imagined i had things in common with

it's one of my gifts, really
connecting with people from varied backgrounds, ages, race
God has placed in me an innate curiosity
and so i am genuinely interested in their lives
therefore, relationship is formed

so when i say i unintentionally connected
that is the truth

but that wasn't the only thing
this unfamiliar place
this Church that i had always seen as mysterious and untouchable somehow
became a new sanctuary
where He taught me
through the homilies i listened to
and the sacredness
reverence
of the service
that He is never changing
and i found a comfort
in the familiarity
and a sense
that yes, He is there

and i learned it over and over
through the kneeling and rising
the rhythm of the service
the goosebumps of awe each time the elements were consecrated
the humility and wonder of the Holiest of Holy days

i drank it in
drank Him in
this side of Him i'd never seen
never noticed before

through it all i continued going to the church i called home
but visited often
and then suddenly
i felt Him say this season was over

lesson one was complete

(to be continued)

nannying, babysitting, and other divine things

long time, no write eh?

not at all because there's nothing to say.  rather, possibly too MUCH to say and little time to say it!

in this past week though, two divinely appointed things have happened with families i'm working with.  here's a three-part background to the stories

first, i interviewed with a family (we'll call them family K) for a summer position.  3 days per week, 33 hours total during those 3 days.  making about twice what i'm making right now at my nanny job.

second, a family (family B-H) that i had already made arrangements with to work for every third weekend contacted me about possibly working one day a week, 3 weeks out of the month, at least for the summer (and yes, this fits in perfectly with the above family's schedule)

third, anthony and i have been really struggling with the idea of finances next fall.  i felt stuck though -- because i'm working for GOOD friends who can't afford to pay me much, i thought the only way i could "leave" them was to go back into the classroom.  and while i'm applying and getting everything together for that possibility, i also know that the cutbacks are happening like crazy in the system i have a relationship with, and in the surrounding counties there are exactly 2 openings that i'm qualified for.  out of 5 counties.  so HUGELY competitive.
and while i could easily get a nanny job that would pay more...i didn't want to have to tell my friends that i was taking a position with another family because of the money!  ya know?  and i certainly didn't want to leave them in a bad position of having to find someone or scramble to find a daycare.

SO.

last friday my friends asked me if i wanted to return to teaching.  i explained that i would like to, but obviously that's a big "if".  they said they were assuming i would want to, and that they knew i had only committed to them for a year.  we chatted about it some, and it turns out that they have found a great daycare/preschool in their new neighborhood that they were considering putting their son in.  and...they didn't want to leave me in the lurch or surprise me with the news.  we basically ended up giving our blessings to each others' plans and i left their house that day absolutely elated that i would be able to pursue a job that paid more for the fall.
(and bonus!  neither of us had to be the "bad guy"!)

monday i got a phone call from the K family that i had interviewed with.  she said "we are SO happy and excited that we've found the perfect person" and we discussed a bit of logisitics such as starting date and payment.  then she paused and said "i wasn't even going to mention this since we wanted to honor your commitment to the other family.  but when we talked with them and they mentioned that they were planning to put their son in school for socialization reasons i wanted to make sure you knew...if you are interested in continuing on with us in the fall we would love to have you do that."

now, it will only be two days a week in the fall, and only with their baby girl.  i told her i would definitely consider it (although they do know that i'm looking into going back to teaching if possible).  part of me, however, was thinking that it would be sort of a pain to try to find a 3 day/week position to fill the gap of time/salary needs.  until she went on to say that they would be happy to try and find another family that i could work with (um, hello?!) and ACTUALLY they know of a family with a 3 week old little boy who will want part time care in the fall as well.

hmmmmm.

i think my fall is "covered".  if i go back to teaching, great.  if not, clearly God has this one handled.  and at at least double the rate i currently make.

but what about that other family?
oh yeah.

s and j are engaged with 2 children under 2 (yikes!).  they live about 20 minutes from me.  their little girl is nearly 2 and their son is 4 months old.  they need me to work every 3rd weekend while they are both working, and 3 mondays a month (the ones not immediately following the weekend i'll be working).

so i knew that they were very kind about saying they wanted to help me honor my church commitments on the weekends i work for them, and said that they loved that it was a priority for me.  other than that, there was no mention of faith, God, church, etc.

but when i did my "preview" day with them wednesday, i got a little surprise.  first, s asked me if i liked reading spiritual things.  i said yes, of course.  he then asked what type of book i enjoyed -- a devotional, a study, biography, general Christian living...
(at this point i got incredibly curious.  clearly he knows what he's talking about...)
after i said that i really enjoy reading a practical life-application book most he said "come here!"
and led me to a bookshelf in their bedroom that is FILLED to the brim with spiritual books.  he even pointed out the author of several volumes (a well-recognized name in many Christian circles) and told me that they named their son after him.

later on in the day he informed me that his daughter's favorite songs are hymns -- that if i sing hymns to her at naptime she will love it.

i love it when God surprises me like that.  with little snippets of Him from unexpected sources!

thank you Papa for divine appointments
for surprises
for little pockets of You in every facet of my life


thank You for the privilege of holding children who are not my own
of loving and nurturing them
of whispering words of Your love over them
of praying for them and speaking life into them


You are such a better job agent
than i could ever hope for
and i am grateful
for every single delightful thing
You bring my way

YOU promote me
i do not have to promote myself
You have established my reputation
You have encouraged others to trust in me


what an honor, privilege and responsibility i have!

hmmm {1.13.11)

yesterday "out of the blue" i started thinking about teaching
and about how words have been spoken over me that tell me i'll be back in the classroom soon
(of course, soon being a relative term...)
and also...
about how EVERY job i've had for the last 2.5+ years has been given to me
not from an interview
but as a gift because of my reputation
because of word of mouth
because someone KNEW me

and then i remembered that my teaching job(s) were given to me the same way
the first, because of the reputation of the university i went to
and because i had volunteered in inner city ministry while there
(seriously -- the principal called me to set up an interview...when i hadn't even applied to that specific school.  i had just hung up the phone when she called back and said "you know, i'd like to go ahead and just offer you the job.)
the second, because i did my student teaching there
and they wanted me back

so the thought came
"i think that's how it's going to happen again"

all the time i've spent STRIVING for a teaching job
that needs to stop
i need to make the systems aware that i'm available
check to see if there are openings
and then just wait.

i have friends all over the systems
who know people who are in places of hiring authority
i can rely on connections
and until then
i LOVE what i'm doing
i'm not making crazy amounts of money from my "job"
but i am crazily and wonderfully provided for!

not very long after i was thinking these thoughts
a text came from a friend
"if you were offered a teaching job right now...would you take it?"
now, that particular text had a lot to do with her own current situation
but...it was a nice little confirmation
that it'll come
and for now
i'm perfectly content where i am :)

1.9.11

i have this thing with the number 9
so it's not surprising to me that on january the 9th, He snuck in some extra surprises for me :)

first there was the opportunity to share (with our church of Christ middle schoolers)
the fact that God still speaks
and a few of the ways He does
(but of course i was sharing about the prophetic...and of course i didn't use those words)
what a blessing to look at their faces and see realization come upon some of them

then came the kinda flat tire.
i stopped by anthony's apartment on my way home from church and lunch where we finished the 10 minutes or so of the movie we'd watched most of yesterday.
and for some reason, i was insistent on going home afterward
i knew i'd only have an hour a most at home
and i totally had all my stuff with me
normally i would have just stuck around, playing games or whatever
but i wanted to go home

as we walked out of the apartment building and approached my car
the words were almost out of my mouth before i even saw the tire
"i think i'm going to need to air up my tire before babysitting"
sure enough, it was fairly flat

now, anthony has a portable air compressor
and normally my instinct would have been to say "can we just use it?"
instead of paying for air
but before i could even finish that thought
i knew i was supposed to stop somewhere

so i made my way down the road
intending to stop on my way to babysitting
when all of a sudden the exact station that i needed to stop at entered my mind
and it wasn't on my way to the job
it was between anthony's apartment and home

i've learned to go with these promptings
and i barely even grumbled at myself
as i passed several stations on the way to the one
that had convenient air pumps that i could have zipped in and out of in no time

i prepared my 75 cents at a stoplight
and eventually pulled into the very busy parking lot of a kroger
(snow has been predicted...a fact that wasn't lost on me when this station first entered my mind)
so instead of the quiet stations i had passed
this station was bustling

i looked around for awhile
easy to access air didn't exist here
and i began to wonder if it DID exist
when i saw it
and there was a woman crouched down beside her SUV already airing up her tire

i sighed as i saw that
knowing that now my journey home would take even longer
i'd get 45 minutes there at best
and thought fleetingly about pulling out of the station
but knew instantly that i was supposed to be here

so i pulled up behind the SUV
idling in a non-space until the woman looked up and waved me into the empty space beside her
i pulled in
rolled down the window and said something about it being so cold that everyone's tires were going flat

she didn't respond other than a quick look up and partial smile
and it was then that i thought "ohhh, she's not a native english speaker
she likely didn't even understand what i said"

a few moments later i heard a hesitant and broken english voice say
"excuse me, ma'am?"
and she told me that she was unsure she was doing this correctly
that her husband was at work so she needed to do it
and she had never done anything like this before.

i hopped out of my car, tire gauge in hand
and realized that she had been attempting to fill her tire with air for at least 10 minutes
with the cap still on
so i bent down, removed the cap, checked the pressure (it was quite flat!) and filled the tire for her
amid her profound thank yous

since i was unsure of the pressure an SUV should have
i said "let me check the other side for you"
and as i rounded the vehicle
i could tell that this tire was nearly as flat as the other

i instructed her that it needed some air as well
and after telling me that i could take care of my car first
and having that offer refused
she began to fill it

i took a moment to wave at her son
oh-so-seriously "reading" the newspaper in his carseat
(he looked to be about 3)
and smiled as i saw that there was a new life growing inside her

i checked her other tires to make sure they were ok
and then told her to have a blessed weekend
and she thanked me...profusely...again
and drove away
3 lives safer than they were 10 minutes before

i looked down at my hand at the air nozzle still running
and laughed
knowing that at maximum this particular air machine should run maybe 5 minutes
and she'd been there for at least 10 minutes before i had helped her
20 minutes still running
and it filled my tire too
was still running as i drove away

and my heart was full as i knew
again
that my life had divinely intersected with another

a year ago i would have been happy to have helped another
but i don't know as i would have been so aware that i was led to her
so i am thankful not only for the intersection of humans today
but the Intersection with the Divine
letting me know that He worked with me today
and allowed me to be His Hands
holding a tire gauge.

:)